Sunday, May 1, 2011

i was never scared

i was never scared

i was never scared

i was never scared

i was never scared

i was never scared

Monday, April 25, 2011

i didnt know

what to do

left her there so much blood wonder when someone will find her

her eyes were open so i didnt look

been moving


when i slept, i dreamed of killing you all

all of you so strong, some so confident, others managing to live and live and live - i could not do it so i hid in fear until i was Chosen and then i lied, and smiled in my dreams

So many not yet fallen, so many i could Hunt

once i wanted to be like you all

Friday, April 15, 2011

echo isnt here anymore

she bleeds like i bled when i was Marked but i could not let her be Marked

i was Chosen i was special i am the only one to sleep and dream and wake

He would come for her, but i should be the only Marked and Chosen

she ran anyways, but her hunt is ended

the echoes are fading

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Awakening - Reality



but i was dreaming and there is no truth in sleep

i was dreaming and i wanted to wake up

soon, soon the trees said but i wanted to wake up and

i am awake now

i looked up to you all

so strong so brave so wise and it was easy to dream of fear i wanted to be like you but i could not and then i was Marked

and now there is no more sleep no more dreams

i can begin

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I can't see most of my Twitter past the April Fool's stuff, and... Echo hasn't let me touch the computer until I promised I would only post an update.

I- I think I've been losing time. I blink and Echo leaves the room to get something to eat - and then suddenly she's at the computer and reading something I wrote that I can't remember and can't see. And what I wrote isn't... good, going by her expression and the questions she's asked.

Her blog is scrambled for me - I can see it, and read stuff, but some of the text is squished and inverted.

I'm scared.
so close 

just dozing

i can hear the voices

Monday, April 11, 2011

To Recap

Echo probably doesn't trust me at all right now given I can't see anything important, I'm not about to kill my head trying to go around a perception filter - nifty name for it, Ryuu - and I actually feel...

Well, great. Well-rested and all that. I'd be in a good mood if things weren't so tense right now. I don't even have that weird thing with my sight whenever I see trees... Traded one filter for another, maybe.

Think I'll see if I can't get something to eat... soon.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Something's Not Right

Echo pressured me into posting this update - she says that it'll be useful, but all I have to report is... weirdness. Might as well start at the beginning.

I slept for a really long time - like, unusually long, maybe because I was forcing myself to stay up before - and when I woke up, the laptop was on to an empty screen. Echo... seemed really tense. She didn't yell or anything, but I think she's worried, and she didn't really explain why - when I asked if I had moved around, she seemed even more weirded out.

I clearly don't remember what I seemed to have done, but when she tried to explain it, it just came out as a mess. I checked, and my blog and dashboard are... fine. Everything's working, all the blogs I follow show up, though Echo seems iffy about me being on the computer for long in general.

At least I don't feel as tired or nervous anymore, you know? Sleep is really good for something.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

i can hear them rustling in my head

ware, oh ware, who is chosen, marked as sacred?

Blood on the trees

shh, shh, no more pain soon

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Currently Imprisoned

So. Not sure when we'll be on the move again, given we have a stalker and I seem to be in the habit of trying to re-enact an escape the room game in my sleep. gnignahc era sgniht 

I'm... trying to be sarcastic and lighthearted about it but I kind of broke down a little before. Crying and stuff. I'm a crybaby - I do it a lot. I'm sure Echo's fed up with me bawling just because I can sleepwalk now. ekaw i lliw nehw

I... don't know what to do, other than drink coffee and set alarms so I don't sleep long. Doors are locked. I feel like I'm... betraying Echo somehow. We're supposed to be Running and I'm tripping her up all the time.

I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Why Am I Here?

Not an existential crisis. I'm not that far down the list yet.

No - because I fucking woke up in the afternoon today with Echo screaming at me, about the leave the hotel room, and I don't remember it.

I've been sleeping. A lot. Later than I've ever been used to. Not like... this, though. It's not... lost time or teleporting, but I just...

I was sleepwalking. How ridiculous - my parents weren't afflicted and apparently it's genetic, though there are factors that could have helped provoke it. From Wikipedia: Other precipitating factors to sleepwalking are those factors which increase the slow wave sleep stage.[15] These most commonly include sleep deprivation, fever, and excessive tiredness

Just fucking great. And sleepwalkers look like zombies too. Much as I wanted to get back at Echo in some way for her prank... freaking her out like this was not what I wanted to do.

I feel sick.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

So Yeah

Um. That was an April Fool's joke, if it wasn't obvious enough. I wanted to go "I am Redlight" but pranks are supposed to be at least kind of believable, right?

Also, he/it/they scare me enough that I wouldn't ever try to taunt him/it/them.

Other than that? Echo clearly did not resist the urge to prank me while I was sleeping. I now have scribbly scales in permanent marker on my arms. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with pigeons - or me mentioning I used to have dreams where I was a dragon. Regardless, she's been laughing and being smug since I got up, and it's hard to stay mad right now. I mean, I haven't laughed for a really long time.

So yeah. Thanks, even if you are smirking at me from across the room right now. Stay safe, everyone.

EDIT: Ohai, proxy followers. I would welcome you, but you're proxies and have only been creeper lurkers anyways. So. Why are all of my newest followers proxies? It's kind of weird.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I Can't Keep Silent Anymore

To watch you guys worry like that - it's ridiculous. You don't even know wHo I Am. All so gullible - it's Honestly such a lAugh. I never thougHt I'd hAve this much fun leading you all on.

Care to play a game?

Happy April 1st.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Too Few Decisions

Echo's been at me for a while to move. I don't know... I'm so tired of just going from place to place in a country I don't even live in. Maybe it's just the constant travelling.

Maybe it's not.

Sometimes I could swear I hear this... I don't know. If you took the sound of rustling leaves, I guess, and stifled it and lowered the volume so it's just this sound in the back of your head. Barely noticeable. I can't even convince myself that it's there.

I'm so scared of what'll happen if I stay here, but even when we do move around, the sound is still there. We can't run forever, right?

...Sorry, being a downer again. I know we need to keep moving, but... I'm so scared. I don't know how Echo manages to be cheerful enough to scare pigeons and stuff like that. I just can't do it.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Note to Self

If I ever go batshit and try to leave because of trees, don't get pissed off when I am stopped by Echo.

Also: Redlight, your comment makes me feel so much better. Now having the possibility and great honour of being hacked by a magnificent bastard like you, well...

I'll probably suffer but this, but I'm in a weird mood, so fuck you.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


no cant bear it dont want to see it again branches and thorns reaching out dont make me go i dont wantto why why why why why save me

That was my dream. The one I apparently didn't remember, and didn't write down.

Either I fooled myself into thinking I hadn't, and deleted the post somehow, or... a proxy or Revenant or Redlight(s) or whathaveyou hacked my blog and put it up there and then deleted it, just to freak me out.

I'll admit... goddammit, it's too easy to remember... that place. 

I need to... do something. Take my mind off of... this.

Fuck, why can't I get away?

Friday, March 25, 2011


I totally feel like I can trust you guys when you make a cryptic comment, refuse to explain and then tell me it's for my own good.

I won't complain if you keep secrets from me about yourself. Everyone does the same - I mean, it's the internet, right? But when it's about me, and the one person who could help refuses to because I don't need to know?

Well, I'm a bit pissed off.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

That Nagging Feeling

It seems I've finally developed a proxy sense, or at least a way to tell something's up. Wish I had gotten it before I went out like an idiot and got scratched up for my pains.

Something feels wrong. I've told Echo this time - while sneaking some coffee because being hyper on caffeine is better than feeling like I'm about to fall asleep - and nothing's shown up yet. I don't have any pressing urge to suddenly go outside and stare at trees, so...

Some random other stuff has been nagging at me. I have this urge - from my grandmother, I think - to pick at scabs or make random bleedings wounds on my fingers or face when I'm worried or bored. I think I must've been doing it unconsciously lately, because I keep waking up with blood on my fingernails. Ehh, and I need to cut them anyways - stupid sensitive nailbeds. I can't touch cloth or file them after I cut them or I'll start shivering.

I guess this post was pretty random, but nothing has shown up and nothing is good, so...

Damn, wish I had some cool catchphrase to sign off a post with.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I was planning to get up early and write down what I dreamt, but I must have woken up and then fallen asleep again... Happens a lot, but I thought determination would be enough to keep me awake for once.I guess not.

Still feel tired, but nothing else - not sore or getting a headache or even that shitty feeling when you're sick but nothing hurts yet. Um. Am I really jumping at shadows? I guess it's understandable, considering what's been happening.

I see I have 34 followers, which is pretty surprising. Er, hi? Thanks for following me - Janus, Maze, Elizabeth, Steph. Not that I'm really doing anything to help, especially now that I'm so conked out all the time, but... 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

An Experiment

I'll try to get to the laptop and write down my dream right after I wake up - it'd be better if I was in a hypnotic trance or something, but maybe I am dreaming something that I just can't remember except for the first few moments. I've had something like that happen before, and it's not like I have much else to do right now...

This bothers me too much to let it go.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Echo sings better than I do, at least. Even if drunk and weird - and if she waves alcohol near me I'm going to get away as fast as I can. That stuff smells.

I can't remember having had any dreams bad enough to make me freak out. I can't remember any dreams at all. And I'm still tired... I wish I knew if I was coming down with something or... not.

It's like there are shadows of a forest in my head and when I close my eyes they're more real - so I find stuff to look at, to keep my eyes open until I can't. Like just... browsing and reading things and looking at comics. Stupid stuff, but it makes me feel better. Demotivational posters and TV Tropes and random things that'll suck me in and keep me from closing my eyes for long.

I feel guilty too - I know Echo wasn't feeling great, but I don't know, I wasn't sure of what to say, or if I could help her at all... I think being exhausted keeps me from doing anything.

I feel like I suck now.

What's wrong with me? 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I Just...

I wonder if travelling normally would take so much out of me. I really wonder about it. I want to go to sleep so much, to just rest and fall into oblivion for a few hours - and I know I sleep deeply, I have to. But when I wake up I'm still tired, almost as tired as I was before I went to sleep.

Maybe I'm sick. I'd like to think I just caught a bug. Or something. That'd be.. nice. Refreshingly normal.

In somewhat better news, I still don't really have an idea where we're going - except cities in America, which helps me not at all - and my sight is... better. I don't see branches where they shouldn't be, and... everything has proper, straight angles. It's kind of a relief.

I've stopped asking myself why, because... well, we're not going near other bloggers, and it's easier to not worry about it, you know? I mean, Echo is still kind of waiting for me to go into another freak out, and I don't want to worry her more.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Why Did He Let You Go?

I... woke up early. Again. My sleep schedule is all weird due to... what happened, I think. After I calmed down, I slept for a really long time, and now I just can't. Maybe it's just paranoia...

I don't know where we're going. Echo could tell me all she likes and I probably would still have no idea. I don't even know the layout of America well, never bothered to pay attention to it before, so... hopeless to tell me. Useful, too, in case... yeah.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. So I'll try to express my thoughts in some sort of parable or allegory or whatever. Hopefully it'll work...

You are a hunter, and you've caught a - a fox, in your trap. Now, it can't get away, because it is too young and naive or afraid of pain to gnaw its leg off and free itself, and even if it sacrifices a limb, you will catch it anyways. So it cannot move, and you are free to skin it and take its pelt and string the organs -

No, no, that's not... that's not right. You are a fox, caught in a trap, and the hunter is standing there. He could kill you, but he doesn't. Instead, he springs the trap and watches you leave.

Why did he let you go?

Please, answer me this. I... need to find an answer.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Guess what that post title refers to? For further hints, check out the post before this one and it's title. Yeah, I have enough energy to be a geek.

Everything still feels kind of weird, so Echo wanted to know if I'd go crazy again if we moved, and I... I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, everything feels kind of... I don't know, off, but I guess that makes sense because of the...

I don't feel strong. I feel like I was put in a cage and watched and then let out again. If I do have this potential that the Liesmith mentioned... I'd be dead, right? I mean, I couldn't get away.

My head sort of hurts, but it's getting better. I guess I'll be alright. At least, I think I will. I mean, I don't feel as bad, and I really don't want to go outside right now. The idea of being in something that's moving and enclosed - a train, a bus, whatever - seems a lot safer now. I don't think something will... happen again.

At least, I hope so.

Friday, March 4, 2011


I... think I need to explain. Things. What happened. It's only fair.

Echo's asleep, I think. Or unconscious. I'm really grateful... I can't believe she took care of me. My head hurts, but... I think I feel better. I can see and stuff, though the room looks a bit... wonky. Maybe I hit my head. I don't know.

I really had to go outside, before. Like, it was... I don't know, a compulsion. I stayed in the hotel room for a long time, so I guess it made sense, but I think He was whispering to me -

...Trying not to think of... It's hard. I don't really remember much from when I was outside - like, I remember being in some sort of park/forest-y place, but not getting there. I don't think it matters. There weren't any paths, which I thought was weird. Just this circle of forest around me... I wasn't even freaking out. I should have been.

I think that scares me, now. I didn't try to run away, just kind of stood there, and then...

I really don't want to do this. I know I should explain, but whenever I try I can hear the tapping again and ohfuck branches stretching into the room - and then when I blink they're gone. Um. I got really hurt. I think I bled on the laptop when I used it before... I can't really remember that either. Not much of it. Where I got hurt... branches. Of trees. I think it was all very careful, because I'm not dead or gutted or anything, and then I was allowed to run and I hit more trees. I don't remember how I got to Echo's. Maybe I had been there the whole time.

I wish I could say I was totally unconscious, but I wasn't, and I could see stuff happening but there were shadows everywhere and they hurt to look away from and made everything look like the trees were already there and rooted and I'm so sorry Echo I wish I could have done something and I'm scared...

Why am I awake now?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

its drowning

i can hear the trees

the heralds cawed

not a warning, but to mark

marked now

blood on the trees nothing more holy

it will echo back

echo and echo and echo

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

An Obsession


Feeling... better, now. I've been following and talking to the Liesmith in comments, scanning the pictures that were uploaded...

So many Norse references. I feel almost compelled to keep looking, keep commenting, being the mythology geek that I am. It's an obsession, I guess, but I can't complain because it keeps me from being too whiny about not being able to move around much. Not that I've been feeling so afraid. Almost... calm, right now. Focused. I want to go outside, though - outside outside, like, to some woodlot or parkland or whatever, not to a street. Some place that's alive and not so smoggy.

So yeah, feeling restless, and I might slip outside for a bit now.

...I'm a bit sad that the Liesmith is apparently leaving. He portrays a riddle, and I adore riddles. Always have. A possibly divine one? Well, that just lures me right in.

Alright, the air feels... nice. Going to go.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Nothing, Again

Has happened here. Not that I've been exactly adventurous - been cooped up in the house because taking walks or going to a park is exactly the stupidest thing I could have done right now. I've always liked playgrounds, especially swingsets, but I haven't gone near them since... this started.


I feel so... small. No, that's not the right word, but... maybe cowardly? Jeff has - he's... sacrificed himself, I think. And Robert's being an insane martyr/hero intent on continuing no matter how many times he goes insane. And so many people are trying to fight or run or survive, and I'm just... hiding. South of the border, now, but I'm jumpy as hell and wish I knew how to use the dagger I brought with me, though maybe it's a good thing I don't or I'd stab the first person to try to sneak up on me. Still, all I'm doing is hiding and trying to gather the courage and presence of mind to figure out where to go next, if I should stay with Echo...

I've always been indecisive. This pressure just makes it worse. I've been following the Liesmith's posts a lot now. Maybe it's the Norse echoes, or how similar he seems to the trickster characters I was planning on portraying in my novel...

As if I'll get the chance to write it out now, eh?

Still, it makes me feel slightly better, despite the disturbing facts he might be unearthing every time he posts. Reminds me of BEN - you can never be sure of or trust anything that's said...

...I must be in a good mood if I'm recalling paranoid ARGs like that.

Friday, February 25, 2011


Not doing too well. Been trying to keep it quiet, but... I'm homesick and lecturing myself doesn't really work.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but... I needed some air. Went outside. Five minutes later, ran back.

I'll talk more about stuff later. Kind of want to curl up in a corner again... I'll go do that now. The rune Echo looked at was interesting. Maybe if I focus on it I'll feel better?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Met up with Echo alright, I'm mooching off of the computer to tell you this. She's been taking a lot of train rides, and is thus a lot more tired than I am.

...Don't want to take too long on this. Probably will have a more verbose entry later, but after my initial freak out of "oh crap, I'm alone in an American city which I don't know how to get around" I managed to ask about the museum, got sent in the right direction and waited. Echo didn't take long to show up. I think she's slightly annoyed at me - I was thanking her like crazy for this.

Have you guys noticed that there are... echoes of Norse myth twined into all this? Yggdrasil pops up all over the place - I suppose that's predictable, given it's the World Tree - but as well, there's this guy:

The Liesmith. I asked if he was Loki and he gave me a trickster answer.

...Maybe I'm trying too desperately to connect things. But maybe there's something else.

Alright, I'm starving. I hope Echo's got some cereal or I'm going to have to learn how to cook.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I'm here. Going to the meeting point I set up with Echo. Wasn't attacked on the way, so my paranoia and jumpiness was for nothing.

Well, at least I got my need to be corny out of the way.

More heartfelt messages to come, I suppose - need to act the tourist right now. Which I am. Ah well, hopefully people can point me in the right direction.

Just In Case

Because the bus is making rest stops and I don't know what might happen later.

My name is Katherine - have a preferred nickname, I don't like my name being used online. I'm a coward - freely admitted - I try to make myself look better than I am. I'm selfish, spoiled and probably won't know how lucky I've been until I burn all my bridges, which will be about 6 pm today. I've been attacked - stalked, scared more than anything else - by one proxy. I've seen Him and dreamed of Him for the past four or five weeks.

I want to be a writer. Fat chance that I'll be alive long enough to publish something now. Still, I'll try to borrow Echo's computer or mooch off of it long enough to type something out. I want to write something... hopeful.

I hope I even make it to New York. Being shifty about any person I see on the bus, especially the people wearing hoodies. Had to pack in the middle of the night too so my parents wouldn't notice - really awkward. And it's cold today...

...You guys made me paranoid, thanks a lot. All of you better fucking stay safe or I'll kill you myself - no, that's unlikely - or burst into tears or do something really stupid. All of you are my anchors, you make me feel better and less of a coward. You gave me the strength to do this.

I feel that if I address one of you, I'll have to say something to all of you and I don't have much time to type this, so -

Thank you. All of you - thank you for staying with me and giving me encouragement and telling me to get my shit together. Stay alive, stay kind of safe at least, stay sane.

Echo, I'll see you in New York.

Monday, February 21, 2011

An Update

Got a new fancy phone due to passing my first semester without migraines. Managed to walk to the bank nearby and chance my currency.

I hope you guys won't be offended if I mention that American money is ugly? It's not even a nice shade of green. It's so dull and... eugh. Canadian money is so much more awesome. </patriotism>

Thinking of writing something up soon, just something hopeful before I have to leave. Need to turn in sort of early tonight since I'll be getting up at 5-ish and heading for the bus terminal.

Echo, I need to talk to you...

Everyone else, thank you for your support. So much. I'll... see what I can do.

Fuck, I need to stop shaking.

Time to Go

I've refused to run, before. But I've been... convinced. By everyone else, by my own guilt - I don't want my parents, my family to get hurt.

I'm getting on a bus to New York City tomorrow, early in the morning, as if I'm walking to school. Going out to get a phone or a laptop today... I have some money in my bank account. Can't access my tuition, which is unfortunate, but...

If I wait long, I'll give up, or go crazy, or just not do it.

Checked bus schedules, one line will take me at 6:15 in the morning and I'll be at NYC at about 5:45...

Oh fucking god I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

An Open Offer

To talk, that is.

My messenger is

If you want to email me, I use a different address, which I can include in the comments if anyone is interested. Neither have my real name because I'm paranoid like that.

...I'm worried. Maybe talking to someone will make it better.

Have You Ever

Seen Him touched by snow? Or rain, for that matter?

It snowed today, and I watched for a while until I couldn't take it any more and had to close the window and sit in a corner for a while. Pathetic, I know. Still, it bothered me. It's not like the clouds parted right overhead just so that snow wouldn't fall on Him or anything like that. It fell above, and then... it just disappeared.

Maybe it just shows how He doesn't belong here... I don't know.

Says a lot that I just ponder metaphysical question about Him after getting over my fit of fear. I'm not worrying about missions or going up against Revenants or leaving the house... I worry about you guys, but considering the options, I suppose I could say I'm lucky so far.

How ironic that I go into a BSoD about everything that happens, then. I should be... I don't know. More willing to support you guys. Sorry. If you ever cross the border and come up here, might be willing to help out. Slightly. I'm pretty isolated, though - all of you seem to be in America or Europe, right?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Calming Down

So my first Heroic BSoD is over...

Thanks, everyone. I shouldn't have just rolled over and despaired, but I was just so tired. I haven't been sleeping well - I'm always going to bed early and then waking up late. I can't seem to feel rested... like I was running around all night or something like that.

I guess it's just the fear and paranoia getting to me.

I don't have a Constant just yet, but... I want to protect my family. Especially my big brother and my father. He's always ready to comfort me when I'm scared, you know? Lately, I've just come up to him needing a hug, and he always gives me one. Corny, but... It helps. Hugs are good, comforting things when I'm freaking out.

I'll be willing to help, for their sakes.

I had a weird dream. Those are usual, but... I was walking around my house. Outside, I could see the world tree - but it was covered by black water. Which meant I was underwater too, but it didn't really matter. I could see it wilting, which was really weird... It looked like a weeping willow, actually.

...That's it, really. But I'm feeling better. Thanks, guys.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You Are Useless

And so am I.

I'll probably never see any of you in real life. Getting help from you... text messages and pleading won't bring anyone back, threats and curses don't do anything. We always offer help and wish for each others' safety, but really...

Most of us don't live in the same place. I know I can't suddenly travel somewhere and find any of you, and even if I could, I'd be no help at all.

What's the use?

I'm not crazy enough to combat my fear. I'm paralysed by it. I can't rush off or even save myself, let alone anyone else. I want to help, but...

I'm nothing, really. Just prey. I'm amazed I lasted this long, really. I'll try to hold on and not get depressed, but... I don't know. Don't expect much of me. Ever.

A Hell For Myself

...Why is everything getting worse?

Sammie said she saw... Him, and she acted... Hollowed. I hope it's a joke. I fucking hope it's a joke so I can stop crying and figure out what to do when I need to go outside today.

He was outside yesterday. I knew He was. I knew this was the time for me to magically turn into a badass and invent a lightning gun or something to take him on, but... I was always so afraid, even when I was little. I had nightmares all the time. Fears of being taken away.

I think I dreamt of Him when I was little. Everything was distorted. It was like I was underwater...

Yggdrasil. The world tree is reassuring, for me. Always was. Why did I dream of it drowning in black water?

...I shouldn't even bother asking.

I'm too afraid of ever doing anything. I can't test random objects, see what rules he conforms to at the moment - all I can do is reassure myself that the walls around my house are real and won't collapse the second I look away. I hate this.

I hate it all so much.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Suppose I Should Thank You

For following me, I mean. 22 people?

I'm surprised. Welcome, to all of you - and I'm sorry, things have been... crazy enough that I didn't mention you at all.

...Yeah. Been writing and doing what Echo advised to keep from freaking out too much. Makes it easier.

...I wrote a story about... Him for my final project for Writer's Craft. I thought getting all the fear out would make it easier, you know?

That... didn't work.

Don't know why I'm telling you guys this. Things are still crazy... but you guys are acting like you have plans. Maybe you don't and I'm just too blinded by hero worship to see it.


Friday, February 11, 2011

A Hell For Others


Beyond... Slender Man - it hurts to type that out, and I feel cold every time - I think he's the person I fear most. Because beyond something I can't understand, he'd be the most likely to beat me into the ground. To torture me because my weaknesses are so obvious, because I'm too small and too weak and never, ever strong enough in any way to do anything at all.

I'm a wimp.

I scare easily, I huddle in a corner and then I turn selfish - I'd sacrifice people to save my own skin. I want all of you - every last person and your problems and your hope and desperation - to just disappear so this is all a dream or a game and so I don't need to care anymore. It'd be so much easier...

There. The truth. I want to help - but at the same time, such a large part of me whispers that if you all just disappeared, if I stopped caring, things would be better. Rationally, I know they wouldn't, but... it never stops. Robert forgot - but he came back. Maybe because he's selfless. Maybe because we needed him so badly. If that happened to me - if I took the deal - I'd just die in a corner, huddled up and paralysed with fear. It wouldn't take long.

Is that an easy way out? I don't know.

I'm too scared to take it. What if it hurts?

What's going on right now... I want to help. But talking might draw more attention to me. I can't stand what Redlight's doing - but my one yell at him might be enough. What if I become more of a target? I can't bear that.

How do you guys keep hope alive? I feel like I'm going to die just out of terror.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


you know how the temple is the weakpoint of your skull? how funny...

i thought if there were holes in people's heads, they'd be there

why cant they be clean? bullet holes look clean in the movies, but these are so large and ragged...

hahaha, forehead and back of the skull, and the hair's all red too... i wish i hadn't tried to remember the next dream

when i close my eyes...

blood smells awful

im going to go puke now

EDIT: Sorry guys, it was... a bad dream.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Fuck This


I didn't get pulled out by all of your efforts, I didn't overcome all my terror - just to see someone else get pulled in. Fuck you, Holly, why couldn't you say something sooner, do something to get help? I know internet therapy doesn't work, I know comments are infested with trolls and insincere messages, but fuck it, to see someone do the same thing I did... At least I have some knowledge of random codes now. As if that'll help in the end...

I talked to Lucien. I'm scared, I'm a coward, I haven't done anything important or worth noting in my entire life - but... what's going on now. The plan, Robert's return, how everyone has joined in... even if I'm a failure and weak, I could do something, help at least in one minor way....

Holly's code-post:

Made a Twitter, just because I know Holly was on it a few hours ago.

Short story: feathers - feathers of Ma'at, symbol of balance
bells, hoofbeats, hounds at night - Wild Hunt and Gabriel Hounds, Cwn Annwn, symbol of chaos, both hunts humans and guides their souls
mistletoe - Norse myth of Baldur, god of light, being killed by mistletoe striking his eye, thrown by Loki. Light drowns in darkness. Start of Ragnarok.

Stay safe or sane or alive, guys, because I don't know what I'll do if you don't.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Some Writing

Still on a caffeine rush... and I'm being twitchy, so I decided to upload the sort of prologue to a novel idea I have. Have fun picking out mythology if any of you guys have the time or the inclination.

Song of Discord

What is a name? A sound, a whisper of meaning almost worn away after centuries. A breath of air that has no significance by itself, but is given such by those that use it. It can be whispered in awe, spat in disgust, can be as short or long as any word in any language. Humans are so bound up in the idea of a name. They give it such tomes of meaning. Does a snake hiss its name constantly to itself as it waits to strike? Animals do not need to represent themselves with future wishes of being blessed or strong.
I do not have a name. I have been called names, names that tied me to forms when belief pulsed in the heart of every human. My names have been whispered in the city streets and the high courts, down to hovels and the huts of hermits. They all meant the same thing, the harsh note in the symphony, the chaos amidst the light. My names are not said now. I do not have a name, but now I have nothing to call me into being, and the world suffers as a result. That will change though, thanks to you. My sweet freedom rests in your hands, child of my choosing. I do not have a name, but my vassals understand the music we all dance to. The Wild Hunt will ride for you, the tricksters will guide your path. Your name is the most important name in the world, and it will be chanted upon the mounds. You are celebrated already, my saviour, my sacrifice.
I do not have a name, but I know yours.

Chaos rings out, ripples in the water, dissonant calls to those who listen –

There are many things in this world that cannot be explained.
That is what they say, the museum staff at a loss for why their Egyptian exhibit is suddenly flooded with feathers, or who jammed the doors while a draft spilled them outside.
The people who wake in the night, hearing the tolling of bells – or maybe hoofbeats, or is it the sound of dogs baying? - and dreams of worlds so beautiful that it blinds them, and haunts their days.
The priests who discover the figure of Christ on his cross, an odd leafy plant sprouted incongruously out of one eye.
The people who find the tracks of beasts, imprinted in sand that has suddenly turned to glass in a single instant.
All these are minor mysteries, nothing that can be connected.
And yet....
A feather lands in her hand, perfectly balanced; when she walks in the night, jackals shadow her; the fairest watch her and taste her dreams. I have chosen her, and the world has accepted, and waits for the scales to tip.
We have waited long – we will not need to wait much longer.


I'm calm, I'm safe - a proxy kind of tried to break into the house and after huddling on the floor for I don't know how long, I stopped hearing him making noise and I went and called 911 and explained - you know, without the suspicion that the person trying to break in was a servant of a faceless abomination, don't think that'd go over very well - notified my parents and now I'm... feeling more confident.

Don't ask how much coffee I had to be relatively calm and awake right now.

Wish I could take those medieval martial arts classes right now. Glad I don't have any school that forces me to walk to and back - second semester starts on Thursday though.

...I don't feel like I can stand worrying about school right now. Or anything beyond the fear that next time I go with my mom to walk the dog, I won't be able to pretend I didn't see him.

Cathy, Jeff, anyone else whose life has become particularly messed up at the moment - I'm sorry. So, so sorry. Good luck to everyone doing their weird studies that I can barely keep track of, and especially to Reach and Ava, not that my wishes of fortune will probably help much. Stay safe. Bleh - when I type it, I imagine my voice sounding so false - it seems like an almost clichéd phrase now. ...Doesn't change that I'd like you guys to at least try - looking at you, Darby.

Friday, January 28, 2011


I can't believe - I, damn it, cant see the keyboard, too scared damn it fuck fuck fuck fuck

Wrong person, looking at the wrong person and they slammed into the window by the back door and I didn't have any weapons and I've locked all the doors and why the fuck did my parents have to leave the house

He was hitting the window for ten minutes but I checked and he's gone now and oh god I'm holding onto one of my knives and I know it won't do any good because my hand's shaking and oh fuck I am dead

How can you guys kill people I already threw up and I can't move and I didn't even do anything oh fucking god I'm so useless just a trapped rat in a corner and I wish dying was painless so I'd stop being so fucking afraid -

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Because I'm An Unobservant Wimp


That guy who was walking around yesterday?

Just realized... I've seen him before. He doesn't walk this way. He doesn't live in this complex, or near it. He goes down a different street at the first intersection.

I freaked out about this for a good hour and then spent my time huddled here. My knives are in a case - maybe I should leave them somewhere easier to reach now, despite not knowing how to use them... at all. My train of thought has basically been: ohshitohshitohshit what if he's a proxy is he a proxy oh fuck I'm dead this isn't happening... and so on. I took some Valerian - best way of calming myself down that is legal and available in the house - and I'm just shaky now.

There are explanations. He could totally not be a proxy...

Yeah, after seeing my totally favourite eldritch abomination pop up on the street corner when I went to the bank, I'm not going to believe in that. So, while I'm still kind of rambly and willing to say this, I didn't see him when I dove in. At all. Sure, there were some scares involving night and my dog barking at blank space but nothing until the 12th. Then, I so happened to need to go to the bank. There's a Pizza Pizza in the same plaza - they had a sign up with a pizza sliced four ways, diagonally. Kept giving me shocks because it formed the operator symbol. My parents always wondered why I kept saying how much I hated the sign, but I didn't explain, and then they took it down. I walked past, relieved that they took it down, cashed in a cheque, walked back and...

You know how in pictures your eyes tend to skip over some details in the background? My mind was screaming and I was scared but I looked and I couldn't see anything until I suddenly could and oh fucking god  I wanted to die right there out of terror, just so I didn't have to see him anymore. Like a little kid, I just stood there beside the parking lot and shut my eyes and when I opened them he was gone and I ran back and didn't leave the house again. I pretended to be sick after that, and then started code posts because... I don't know. To cope, except it never worked, and I just felt like every time I looked out a window, he'd be there. Sometimes, I was right.

But nothing fucking happened and I thought he was more focused on other stuff or other people - I know that's a selfish thought, such a selfish thought, but I can't help it - but it's not working because I don't think he sends proxies out for non-people. Or maybe they home in on their own...

I don't even know. I think I'll go to bed before I try looking out onto the street to see if the guy is there again.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I went outside to swing - yes, I go play on a swingset for hours even in negative temperatures, I'm that stupid - and some kid was walking around on the street.

Weird thing was, he was from my school and still wearing the uniform, though it was about four hours after exams had ended for the day. Well, maybe he was waiting for someone... and I didn't change out of my uniform all that quickly either. Still, it bothered me because when I swing, I instantly look for any motion on the ground - and I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye. Couldn't focus and clear my mind properly.

...Wonder if he's still there - nah, that's a paranoid and ridiculous thought.
I apologize - this post is totally useless for anything except my random musings.

Quick Update

First exam is over and done with, and I have some good news, to balance out my slight freak out when I was walking to school and back. I walk with music, and it just so happened to glitch out - once on the way to school, and a few times on the way back. I looked around each time and saw... nothing but people walking, so maybe it's just my music player.


Because, you know, coincidences do happen.

Okay, going to stop shooting myself in the leg here. Exam went fine, and my co-op placement is a go, which means I get to spend 2+ hours at a computer doing vaguely intelligent things like updating a site, doing product stats and learning html, css and search engine optimization.

Not too bad, especially if she likes my work enough to take me on after. I need money if I want to take those medieval martial arts classes... knowing how to use a knife would be really awesome right now.


I guess you're getting tired of seeing these words, huh? Still, thank you - everyone who commented, everyone who told me I'm allowed to fuck up and almost fail and that I'm no worse than any one of you.

I'm... not sure if I can make any sort of difference. I'm not insanely badass, I'm too scared to run... but maybe I can do something, you know?

Jeff, still thinking about it.

I have exams today till Friday, so this post is going to be rushed, but if you guys would have me... I'd like to stand with you. For all the good that'll do.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm Pathetic

I really fucking am. I... Why am I always such a coward? So stupidly confident that I have a way out when I'm just being herded towards a cage. I trapped my own fucking self and I didn't even see it.

Do you know what I do when I'm scared? I pretend that what scares me isn't there. That if I can't see it, it doesn't exist. I hide. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being - I didn't run, I didn't turn around and plan out crazy experiments, I didn't even go out to die properly. No, I just stayed inside and found ways to cope. I can - I can still feel the fear, I'm so afraid, guys... what the hell am I even doing? I pretended nothing was going on, that nothing had ever happened - but I couldn't take that, so I found codes to hide in. I thought I was so smart, avoiding patternsi n which code and language I used, pretending I knew things. 

Who the fuck was I kidding? I crawled into a hole and curled up and pretended. Shit... I'm crying now, but I have to keep typing and at least say this because if I don't, I'll just go back and hide and all the stuff that's happened will go away again. I might have stayedl ike that forever, pretending to be some cryptic dispenser of knowledge when I'm just protecting myself, but -

But you guys. Fuck it, you and your banding together and your initiatives and your selflessness. I watched and pretended but when Robert came back, and Fizz died, and seeing you guys plan and do better than before - it made me feel like I was the worst thing in the world. Just a pathetic piece of shit. I don't have the strength to run or fight, and I couldn't even go out and die or do crazy stuff, or sacrifice so much. Seeing all of this... I realized. He - it, whatever the fuck, maybe it is better - knows fear. He knows how people react to it. He knew how I reacted to it, and trapped me in this idiotic loop that I made myself. I knew I worried people, but what did I care? I'm just a selfish little brat with no sense.

But I realized that staying a spectator and hiding put me in... a downward spiral. I... I drag this down, just by existing. For so many people who are resisting and running and doing something, if I hide, that - I don't know, gives him strength. Fucking tulpa effect, right? My utter, abject terror of tall dark and faceless makes him stronger? Seeing what you guys are doing - I, I can't let that happen.

Fuck it, shaking more and I can't see my srceen too well...

I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry...

This isn't a game anymore. IT's not something funny anymore, not somethin I do when I need chills up my spine. Darby, Lucien, Jean, Jeff... anyone else dealing with... him - I'm sorry for being a pathetic waste of space and air, for being a coward. I'll try now. I promise.

Sammie, Holly, I... I'm sorry.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Is wrong. Like ripples in water, spreading and spreading and clashing together -

Can't think can'thinkcan'tthink




01000100 01110010 01101111 01110111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101111 01110011 00100000 01100100 01110010 01101111 01110111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101111 01110011 00100000 01100100 01110010 01101111 01110111 01101110 01101001 01101110 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101111 01110011

Why won't they look away

Something is wrong, usually not so focused - too many patterns? Death and rebirth. Sage, wisdom is needed - but heart and courage has died.

Look away

New growth, new growth - that is important, cannot forget that. More who fight, who learn - thank you thank you thank you.


A futile wish?

Friday, January 21, 2011

In Prayer

Thank you, holly tree - to impose order and safeguard my thoughts. Enough that I can trust to speak... I wish my will could safeguard your own thoughts and dreams.

Easier in code - veils more. My apologies. For worrying as well. It is difficult. Head hurts - dreams are bad, sleep without rest. So easy to forget, and then soragoto, itsuwari. Not to be believed. Shinrai - trust only the words of truth. Even hidden.

I worry. Tides, but they do not ebb - not everywhere.

Be careful.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Message



Proszę cie - zkhq zhuh wkhuh wkuhdwv? zkhq zhuh wkhuh olhv? frqqhfw - frqqhfw, frqqhfw, frqqhfw. 


The game drags on. 

01010100 01101111 01101111 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101000 01100101 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100100 01100001 01101110 01100111 01100101 01110010 01101111 01110101 01110011 00001101 00001010 01001101 01111001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100011 01100101 01100100 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01000011 01001111 01001110 01001110 01000101 01000011 01010100 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110001 01110101 01100101 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110110 01101111 01101001 01100100 01100101 01100100 00111111 00100000 01010111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01101110 01101001 01100101 01101110 01110100 00111111 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101011 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101100 01110011 01100101 00101110 00100000 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100101 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110100 01110011 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101111 01110100 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01110011 01110111 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01110001 01110101 01100101 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 01101011 01100101 01100100 00101110

Monday, January 17, 2011


Bon travail.

"Let's play a game..." Podłączyć kropek



Chaos is

Chaos is

Chaos is

00110101 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110110 00110111 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110111 00110011 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110010 01100100 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110011 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110011 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110110 01100100 00100000 00110111 00110000 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 00110100 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110111 00111001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110011 01100110 00100000 00110000 01100100 00100000 00110000 01100001 00100000 00110000 01100100 00100000 00110000 01100001 00100000 00110100 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110010 00100000 00110000 01100100 00100000 00110000 01100001 00100000 00110000 01100100 00100000 00110000 01100001 00100000 00110100 00110011 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110110 01100110 00100000 00110111 00110011 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 00111001 00100000 00110111 00110011 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110110 01100101 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110110 00110100 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110110 00110100

What is happening?

My dashboard is still messed up - I can't see half of the posts of the people I followed, or my own posts, apparently. Either someone's hacking my computer and posting messages as soon as I'm called away, or...

I managed to get onto C.A's blog, but for some reason, even when I tried to find his posts - he has 52 - looking through 2010 and the 2011 only gave me a... grand total of about twenty five, which is impossible. I've seen his blog - he has more than that.

...I'm scared. Maybe I should take a break from the computer, from the mythos - just sit back and calm down. That'd work... right?

Sunday, January 16, 2011




01001110 01001111 01010100 01001001 01000011 01000101

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Been a while...

I've been pretty mopey lately, sorry for not posting. Had a ton of weird dreams, and a huge-ass headache that lasted a few days - everything's kind of been a feverish blur. :/

My dashboard keeps glitching up for some reason... weird. My computer's a decaying piece of crap anyways.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


It's all about belief, isn't it? 




"I will close the eyes of those who will perish"

私の目は閉じられています。.. 誰が、私が見ることができるように、(彼・それ)らを切り開くでしょうか? Ashinaga - jin の後に続いてください。 Tenaga - jin の後に続いてください。 同じように同じように同じ。

Monday, January 10, 2011

Take Me Away

So! Stuff has happened. Mostly, I fell sick, played video games, moaned, stressed out... but things that did not revolve around me took place.

Such as my brother's girlfriend who had moved in with us for two years leaving for an indefinite amount of time.

I'm... sad, but surprised too because I never caught wind of this until it was apparently too late for me to say anything. I'm trying to keep quiet and stay out of the way - my mom isn't happy. We all cared for her.

Other news: more snow. Yay. Looked through my old dream diary - I had a dream about a faceless guy a while back, but it might have been because I checked out the Something Awful thread before I actually started reading blogs or anything like that. My other dreams were either trippy or mundane, so it was fun to read through some of them. Some though were just... creepy.

Well, I hope to have good dreams tonight - it seems CA isn't half so lucky. Sleep safely, I suppose.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Orchestrator of Faith

Weeell~ It snowed, which makes me incredibly happy. We finally have enough snow to cover most of the grass, and to ensure the air was less bitter and... dead. I love snowy winters~ My dad has recovered from the flu but now my mom has a nasty cold, which is unfortunate. I have an essay to do, but classes are pretty easy and I'm doing well and yeah.

My paranoia has also decreased a lot lately, and today I've just been... happy. Doing a lot of roleplaying, some writing - not much - and reading and playing video games. I'm... not entirely relaxed, but I'd say I'm content for now. I also now have 12 followers, yay! Thank you, Jean, Slice. I feel honoured to have so many people even mildly interested in what I have to say, or just my rambling.

...Did you know there is a monster in Tales of Symphonia called a Gentleman? It's very rare, drops a useful healing item, and its mob avatar-thing on the world map only stands still and watches. In battle, it turns out to be a special Clay Golem (an annoying breed of monster that's really tall with really long arms and legs and insanely thin) in a snazzy suit, with no actual face.

...Yeah. I spent half my mornings trying to find it and then dreading if I do. Fun, eh?

Not much else to talk about, though my followers have had some interesting stuff happen. Raz introduced me to D, CA's making another try at a lightning gun and... had a great dream, Anon found a willow wand of some sort... I feel absurdly normal compared to all of you. Nothing has happened~

Stay safe and sane, all of you.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Is not how I expected the New Year to start. At least... not for everyone else.

It's been quiet, here. My friends accepted my paranoia with some scepticism, testing my sanity and telling me to chill when I got a bit too jumpy. I slept fine, but my dad came down with a fast-moving flu and thus kept me from the computer due to being asleep and feeling crappy. He's coughing, but less so today, so I'm not too worried.

It seems Vexil - I mixed up your gender, sorry! - has no memory of scaring me with binary, so... amnesia or a proxy in the making. :/ Or a somewhat clichéd tactic for trying to be creepy... I'll be optimistic and hope that it was just an ARG, and he mistook this as a fictional blog or something. My friends saw the message and admit it was quite creepy, but now it seems to have been just a scare tactic. Today, though... second dream of my least favourite eldritch stalker, though I can't remember it well, just that it was mildly unsettling. Not enough to wake me up.

...Not like the first. That one was not fun at all. Thankfully, it wasn't cryptic - just me watching a video and someone beside me announcing that he's "over there!" and the camera shifting and my gaze focusing on two people walking past in the background... And one lacking a face. I sat up and suitably freaked out for the next three hours.

So, someone mind updating me on what's happened? It sounds like everyone else had some eventful happenings...