I really fucking am. I... Why am I always such a coward? So stupidly confident that I have a way out when I'm just being herded towards a cage. I trapped my own fucking self and I didn't even see it.
Do you know what I do when I'm scared? I pretend that what scares me isn't there. That if I can't see it, it doesn't exist. I hide. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being - I didn't run, I didn't turn around and plan out crazy experiments, I didn't even go out to die properly. No, I just stayed inside and found ways to cope. I can - I can still feel the fear, I'm so afraid, guys... what the hell am I even doing? I pretended nothing was going on, that nothing had ever happened - but I couldn't take that, so I found codes to hide in. I thought I was so smart, avoiding patternsi n which code and language I used, pretending I knew things.
Who the fuck was I kidding? I crawled into a hole and curled up and pretended. Shit... I'm crying now, but I have to keep typing and at least say this because if I don't, I'll just go back and hide and all the stuff that's happened will go away again. I might have stayedl ike that forever, pretending to be some cryptic dispenser of knowledge when I'm just protecting myself, but -
But you guys. Fuck it, you and your banding together and your initiatives and your selflessness. I watched and pretended but when Robert came back, and Fizz died, and seeing you guys plan and do better than before - it made me feel like I was the worst thing in the world. Just a pathetic piece of shit. I don't have the strength to run or fight, and I couldn't even go out and die or do crazy stuff, or sacrifice so much. Seeing all of this... I realized. He - it, whatever the fuck, maybe it is better - knows fear. He knows how people react to it. He knew how I reacted to it, and trapped me in this idiotic loop that I made myself. I knew I worried people, but what did I care? I'm just a selfish little brat with no sense.
But I realized that staying a spectator and hiding put me in... a downward spiral. I... I drag this down, just by existing. For so many people who are resisting and running and doing something, if I hide, that - I don't know, gives him strength. Fucking tulpa effect, right? My utter, abject terror of tall dark and faceless makes him stronger? Seeing what you guys are doing - I, I can't let that happen.
Fuck it, shaking more and I can't see my srceen too well...
I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry...
This isn't a game anymore. IT's not something funny anymore, not somethin I do when I need chills up my spine. Darby, Lucien, Jean, Jeff... anyone else dealing with... him - I'm sorry for being a pathetic waste of space and air, for being a coward. I'll try now. I promise.
Sammie, Holly, I... I'm sorry.