Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm Pathetic

I really fucking am. I... Why am I always such a coward? So stupidly confident that I have a way out when I'm just being herded towards a cage. I trapped my own fucking self and I didn't even see it.

Do you know what I do when I'm scared? I pretend that what scares me isn't there. That if I can't see it, it doesn't exist. I hide. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being - I didn't run, I didn't turn around and plan out crazy experiments, I didn't even go out to die properly. No, I just stayed inside and found ways to cope. I can - I can still feel the fear, I'm so afraid, guys... what the hell am I even doing? I pretended nothing was going on, that nothing had ever happened - but I couldn't take that, so I found codes to hide in. I thought I was so smart, avoiding patternsi n which code and language I used, pretending I knew things. 

Who the fuck was I kidding? I crawled into a hole and curled up and pretended. Shit... I'm crying now, but I have to keep typing and at least say this because if I don't, I'll just go back and hide and all the stuff that's happened will go away again. I might have stayedl ike that forever, pretending to be some cryptic dispenser of knowledge when I'm just protecting myself, but -

But you guys. Fuck it, you and your banding together and your initiatives and your selflessness. I watched and pretended but when Robert came back, and Fizz died, and seeing you guys plan and do better than before - it made me feel like I was the worst thing in the world. Just a pathetic piece of shit. I don't have the strength to run or fight, and I couldn't even go out and die or do crazy stuff, or sacrifice so much. Seeing all of this... I realized. He - it, whatever the fuck, maybe it is better - knows fear. He knows how people react to it. He knew how I reacted to it, and trapped me in this idiotic loop that I made myself. I knew I worried people, but what did I care? I'm just a selfish little brat with no sense.

But I realized that staying a spectator and hiding put me in... a downward spiral. I... I drag this down, just by existing. For so many people who are resisting and running and doing something, if I hide, that - I don't know, gives him strength. Fucking tulpa effect, right? My utter, abject terror of tall dark and faceless makes him stronger? Seeing what you guys are doing - I, I can't let that happen.

Fuck it, shaking more and I can't see my srceen too well...

I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry...

This isn't a game anymore. IT's not something funny anymore, not somethin I do when I need chills up my spine. Darby, Lucien, Jean, Jeff... anyone else dealing with... him - I'm sorry for being a pathetic waste of space and air, for being a coward. I'll try now. I promise.

Sammie, Holly, I... I'm sorry.


  1. Hey....don't do this to yourself, it doesn't help.

    If you're ever on when I am, IM me, we need to have a serious talk.

    Don't apologize for being scared.


  2. Don't apologize for fucking up, because we all fuck up. Every single blogger, everyone here, has made a mistake.

    We have felt the way you felt. We have.

    And we moved on, got stronger, had people help us recover and we made peace with our mistakes.

    You can't let this sit in your mind.

    Don't apologize for something that everyone goes through.

    I'll be around.


  3. You do not need to ask for forgiveness, at least not from us.

    Most of us are damned to begin with.

    I give the same offer as Darby.

  4. Hell yea we are Slice. That's why we gotta stick together.


  5. Sorry guys, I just... beating myself up is the only option.

    It'd be nice to... you know. Talk. Normally without me using codes and... stuff.

    God I feel stupid. Fucking stupid.

    I don't have AIM but I have MSN - gildedmoon@hotmail.com is my usual messenger address. So... poke me if you want to deal with a pathetic coward, eh?

  6. You don't need to punish yourself for being human, Stormecho. In fact, you should cling to those things that make you human; your fear, your hope, your love, your anger.

    As someone who lost his humanity to the Slender Man, that is the best advice I can give. Sometimes I think that, deep down, he fears humans and that's why he tries so hard to make us inhuman.

  7. Most of the other bloggers are human too - they didn't succumb like I did, didn't wish that the rest of the world would disappear...


    Everyone else seems to be doing a better job of that than I am - they all banded together in defiance, and they have love and hope - I'm just scared. I'll try, though. That he fears humanity... I don't know, maybe it makes sense - why otherwise would he keep doing this?

    Thank you, Reach.

  8. Listen, ok? I don't know you, but trust me- you're not a bad person. I spent ages trying to deny this and I think deep down in my bones, I always knew it was true.
    You're not a coward or a bad person for being afraid of the scariest thing out there. If anything, you're sensible. And the fact that you haven't given up is something to hold onto. Hiding doesn't negate that.

  9. I think everyone has succumbed at some point. We aren't as akin to gods as our blog posts make us seem. Most of us are only being held together by a thread.

    It's okay to be scared. We're all scared. I hope you feel better soon.

  10. ...Thank you. All of you.

    You don't know how much it means to me, to see this...

    Fuck, crying again.

  11. I'll message you tonight.

    And Jean's right, most of us are lucky that we haven't falled apart yet.


  12. Storm, it is very true what everybody has been saying here. Do not put yourself down due to your actions. We are NOT gods. We are not superheroes. We.......Are.......Human. We can succumb to all the natural feelings that are typical of us: love, hate, fear, courage, etc... Just as I quoted on Darby's blog, I must pull out a movie quote on you, this time from Black Knight:

    Courage isn't the absence of fear. It is the presence of fear, but the will to go on.

    And sometimes, we can find strength in our fear, because it helps us to realize that we are human, and that we can do something about that fear. Running away and hiding doesn't mean that we are weak. It means we are trying to find a way to deal with it. We all deal in our own ways. Just don't deal alone.


  13. Storm, even when it happened, you did your best. Everyone has a reaction when they get afraid. Some react to different fears than others. But you're a good person, and even with the codes, you let us know you were there.

    You're still here, and you're getting better. In the end, that's all that really counts.

    If you need to talk, I'm on MSN.

  14. We're here for you, Stormie.
    Every single one of us.

    We're all human, dear.
    Every last one of us is.

    And we're all just being who we are. No powers, no God-like abilities, nothing like that.

    And well, I feel guilty, because I invited you here.

    I welcomed you into this.

    And I'm sorry.

    But you're important.
    Just like we all are.

    And well, I'd like you to join the Keeper Alliance, if you want?

    We're open to anyone who's willing and brave enough to admit they want to face Slender Bitch.

    And well, you've shown me that.

    The Keeper

  15. Don't feel guilty, Jeff. Back then, I was just so hyped up about being spoken to by one of the more well-known bloggers that I was practically ecstatic. I was /recognized/.

    ...I dove in too deep, so it wouldn't have mattered anyways. Maybe you sped it up - maybe it would have happened anyways. But thanks. The offer is... really, it's amazing, but...

    Give me some time to think, alright?

    To everyone else - thank you. To anyone who does want to send me a message, I hope to chat with you soon. You guys are definitely making me feel better.

  16. Jesus Christ, Storm.

    Girl, you said I was tenacious and brave and determined and I've got to tell you.

    I'm not.

    I'm apathetic. I'm already dying and I've decided that I'll end it with a legacy.

    But even I curled up and cried the first time I felt his eyes on me. I threw up the first time I saw him.

    We ALL did this. All of us, we ALL thought we were SO smart.

    We ALL cocked up at a point.

    But we're ALL together and I'll be damned if you don't take my pre-last-name in earnest.


    All for one, one for all.

    The Scientist

  17. Yeah, what Ava said. In fairness, we only look so good compared to the people who died.