Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Hell For Myself

...Why is everything getting worse?

Sammie said she saw... Him, and she acted... Hollowed. I hope it's a joke. I fucking hope it's a joke so I can stop crying and figure out what to do when I need to go outside today.

He was outside yesterday. I knew He was. I knew this was the time for me to magically turn into a badass and invent a lightning gun or something to take him on, but... I was always so afraid, even when I was little. I had nightmares all the time. Fears of being taken away.

I think I dreamt of Him when I was little. Everything was distorted. It was like I was underwater...

Yggdrasil. The world tree is reassuring, for me. Always was. Why did I dream of it drowning in black water?

...I shouldn't even bother asking.

I'm too afraid of ever doing anything. I can't test random objects, see what rules he conforms to at the moment - all I can do is reassure myself that the walls around my house are real and won't collapse the second I look away. I hate this.

I hate it all so much.


  1. Shit. Sammie? Shitshitshit.

    Just try to hold yourself together. I know it can be difficult under the best of circumstances, but it is imperative that you keep yourself sane. If we're losing Sammie we can't afford to lose you as well.

  2. Storm, you have to calm down. If you start flipping out, or get depressed, He can get to you that much faster. Come on, we can all get through this. We can.

  3. Storm.

    I know.

    We'll get though this, together.

    Its the worst possible thing to happen, I think.

  4. I...

    It makes it worse and better that the world still turns, through all of this. I still have to go to school.

    How can things be so normal when people are dying or going insane?

    ...At the same time, it forced me to do regular things. Fake being happy and nice and totally fine.

    I'm not... I can't say I'm calmer now. I still want to scream and puke and cry and kill something - maybe me - but...

    It's stifled.

    That's good, right?

  5. Skyler says the Constants that Violet came up with work. At least for her.

    Find an object with deep emotional attachment. One that makes you feel safe. And keep it with you.

    I don't know what else to say, other than to try to pull yourself together.