Too Few Decisions

Echo's been at me for a while to move. I don't know... I'm so tired of just going from place to place in a country I don't even live in. Maybe it's just the constant travelling.

Maybe it's not.

Sometimes I could swear I hear this... I don't know. If you took the sound of rustling leaves, I guess, and stifled it and lowered the volume so it's just this sound in the back of your head. Barely noticeable. I can't even convince myself that it's there.

I'm so scared of what'll happen if I stay here, but even when we do move around, the sound is still there. We can't run forever, right?

...Sorry, being a downer again. I know we need to keep moving, but... I'm so scared. I don't know how Echo manages to be cheerful enough to scare pigeons and stuff like that. I just can't do it.

Note to Self

If I ever go batshit and try to leave because of trees, don't get pissed off when I am stopped by Echo.

Also: Redlight, your comment makes me feel so much better. Now having the possibility and great honour of being hacked by a magnificent bastard like you, well...

I'll probably suffer but this, but I'm in a weird mood, so fuck you.

Fuck

no cant bear it dont want to see it again branches and thorns reaching out dont make me go i dont wantto why why why why why save me


That was my dream. The one I apparently didn't remember, and didn't write down.


Either I fooled myself into thinking I hadn't, and deleted the post somehow, or... a proxy or Revenant or Redlight(s) or whathaveyou hacked my blog and put it up there and then deleted it, just to freak me out.


I'll admit... goddammit, it's too easy to remember... that place. 


I need to... do something. Take my mind off of... this.

Fuck, why can't I get away?

Thanks

I totally feel like I can trust you guys when you make a cryptic comment, refuse to explain and then tell me it's for my own good.

I won't complain if you keep secrets from me about yourself. Everyone does the same - I mean, it's the internet, right? But when it's about me, and the one person who could help refuses to because I don't need to know?

Well, I'm a bit pissed off.

That Nagging Feeling

It seems I've finally developed a proxy sense, or at least a way to tell something's up. Wish I had gotten it before I went out like an idiot and got scratched up for my pains.

Something feels wrong. I've told Echo this time - while sneaking some coffee because being hyper on caffeine is better than feeling like I'm about to fall asleep - and nothing's shown up yet. I don't have any pressing urge to suddenly go outside and stare at trees, so...

Some random other stuff has been nagging at me. I have this urge - from my grandmother, I think - to pick at scabs or make random bleedings wounds on my fingers or face when I'm worried or bored. I think I must've been doing it unconsciously lately, because I keep waking up with blood on my fingernails. Ehh, and I need to cut them anyways - stupid sensitive nailbeds. I can't touch cloth or file them after I cut them or I'll start shivering.

I guess this post was pretty random, but nothing has shown up and nothing is good, so...

Damn, wish I had some cool catchphrase to sign off a post with.

Blah

I was planning to get up early and write down what I dreamt, but I must have woken up and then fallen asleep again... Happens a lot, but I thought determination would be enough to keep me awake for once.I guess not.

Still feel tired, but nothing else - not sore or getting a headache or even that shitty feeling when you're sick but nothing hurts yet. Um. Am I really jumping at shadows? I guess it's understandable, considering what's been happening.

I see I have 34 followers, which is pretty surprising. Er, hi? Thanks for following me - Janus, Maze, Elizabeth, Steph. Not that I'm really doing anything to help, especially now that I'm so conked out all the time, but... 

An Experiment

I'll try to get to the laptop and write down my dream right after I wake up - it'd be better if I was in a hypnotic trance or something, but maybe I am dreaming something that I just can't remember except for the first few moments. I've had something like that happen before, and it's not like I have much else to do right now...

This bothers me too much to let it go.

Echo sings better than I do, at least. Even if drunk and weird - and if she waves alcohol near me I'm going to get away as fast as I can. That stuff smells.

I can't remember having had any dreams bad enough to make me freak out. I can't remember any dreams at all. And I'm still tired... I wish I knew if I was coming down with something or... not.

It's like there are shadows of a forest in my head and when I close my eyes they're more real - so I find stuff to look at, to keep my eyes open until I can't. Like just... browsing and reading things and looking at comics. Stupid stuff, but it makes me feel better. Demotivational posters and TV Tropes and random things that'll suck me in and keep me from closing my eyes for long.

I feel guilty too - I know Echo wasn't feeling great, but I don't know, I wasn't sure of what to say, or if I could help her at all... I think being exhausted keeps me from doing anything.

I feel like I suck now.

What's wrong with me? 

I Just...

I wonder if travelling normally would take so much out of me. I really wonder about it. I want to go to sleep so much, to just rest and fall into oblivion for a few hours - and I know I sleep deeply, I have to. But when I wake up I'm still tired, almost as tired as I was before I went to sleep.

Maybe I'm sick. I'd like to think I just caught a bug. Or something. That'd be.. nice. Refreshingly normal.

In somewhat better news, I still don't really have an idea where we're going - except cities in America, which helps me not at all - and my sight is... better. I don't see branches where they shouldn't be, and... everything has proper, straight angles. It's kind of a relief.

I've stopped asking myself why, because... well, we're not going near other bloggers, and it's easier to not worry about it, you know? I mean, Echo is still kind of waiting for me to go into another freak out, and I don't want to worry her more.

Why Did He Let You Go?

I... woke up early. Again. My sleep schedule is all weird due to... what happened, I think. After I calmed down, I slept for a really long time, and now I just can't. Maybe it's just paranoia...

I don't know where we're going. Echo could tell me all she likes and I probably would still have no idea. I don't even know the layout of America well, never bothered to pay attention to it before, so... hopeless to tell me. Useful, too, in case... yeah.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. So I'll try to express my thoughts in some sort of parable or allegory or whatever. Hopefully it'll work...

You are a hunter, and you've caught a - a fox, in your trap. Now, it can't get away, because it is too young and naive or afraid of pain to gnaw its leg off and free itself, and even if it sacrifices a limb, you will catch it anyways. So it cannot move, and you are free to skin it and take its pelt and string the organs -

No, no, that's not... that's not right. You are a fox, caught in a trap, and the hunter is standing there. He could kill you, but he doesn't. Instead, he springs the trap and watches you leave.

Why did he let you go?

Please, answer me this. I... need to find an answer.

Sonata

Guess what that post title refers to? For further hints, check out the post before this one and it's title. Yeah, I have enough energy to be a geek.

Everything still feels kind of weird, so Echo wanted to know if I'd go crazy again if we moved, and I... I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, everything feels kind of... I don't know, off, but I guess that makes sense because of the...

I don't feel strong. I feel like I was put in a cage and watched and then let out again. If I do have this potential that the Liesmith mentioned... I'd be dead, right? I mean, I couldn't get away.

My head sort of hurts, but it's getting better. I guess I'll be alright. At least, I think I will. I mean, I don't feel as bad, and I really don't want to go outside right now. The idea of being in something that's moving and enclosed - a train, a bus, whatever - seems a lot safer now. I don't think something will... happen again.

At least, I hope so.

Awakening

I... think I need to explain. Things. What happened. It's only fair.

Echo's asleep, I think. Or unconscious. I'm really grateful... I can't believe she took care of me. My head hurts, but... I think I feel better. I can see and stuff, though the room looks a bit... wonky. Maybe I hit my head. I don't know.

I really had to go outside, before. Like, it was... I don't know, a compulsion. I stayed in the hotel room for a long time, so I guess it made sense, but I think He was whispering to me -

...Trying not to think of... It's hard. I don't really remember much from when I was outside - like, I remember being in some sort of park/forest-y place, but not getting there. I don't think it matters. There weren't any paths, which I thought was weird. Just this circle of forest around me... I wasn't even freaking out. I should have been.

I think that scares me, now. I didn't try to run away, just kind of stood there, and then...

I really don't want to do this. I know I should explain, but whenever I try I can hear the tapping again and ohfuck branches stretching into the room - and then when I blink they're gone. Um. I got really hurt. I think I bled on the laptop when I used it before... I can't really remember that either. Not much of it. Where I got hurt... branches. Of trees. I think it was all very careful, because I'm not dead or gutted or anything, and then I was allowed to run and I hit more trees. I don't remember how I got to Echo's. Maybe I had been there the whole time.

I wish I could say I was totally unconscious, but I wasn't, and I could see stuff happening but there were shadows everywhere and they hurt to look away from and made everything look like the trees were already there and rooted and I'm so sorry Echo I wish I could have done something and I'm scared...

Why am I awake now?

its drowning

i can hear the trees

the heralds cawed

not a warning, but to mark

marked now

blood on the trees nothing more holy

it will echo back

echo and echo and echo

An Obsession

Um.

Feeling... better, now. I've been following and talking to the Liesmith in comments, scanning the pictures that were uploaded...

So many Norse references. I feel almost compelled to keep looking, keep commenting, being the mythology geek that I am. It's an obsession, I guess, but I can't complain because it keeps me from being too whiny about not being able to move around much. Not that I've been feeling so afraid. Almost... calm, right now. Focused. I want to go outside, though - outside outside, like, to some woodlot or parkland or whatever, not to a street. Some place that's alive and not so smoggy.

So yeah, feeling restless, and I might slip outside for a bit now.

...I'm a bit sad that the Liesmith is apparently leaving. He portrays a riddle, and I adore riddles. Always have. A possibly divine one? Well, that just lures me right in.

Alright, the air feels... nice. Going to go.