Has happened here. Not that I've been exactly adventurous - been cooped up in the house because taking walks or going to a park is exactly the stupidest thing I could have done right now. I've always liked playgrounds, especially swingsets, but I haven't gone near them since... this started.
Yeah.
I feel so... small. No, that's not the right word, but... maybe cowardly? Jeff has - he's... sacrificed himself, I think. And Robert's being an insane martyr/hero intent on continuing no matter how many times he goes insane. And so many people are trying to fight or run or survive, and I'm just... hiding. South of the border, now, but I'm jumpy as hell and wish I knew how to use the dagger I brought with me, though maybe it's a good thing I don't or I'd stab the first person to try to sneak up on me. Still, all I'm doing is hiding and trying to gather the courage and presence of mind to figure out where to go next, if I should stay with Echo...
I've always been indecisive. This pressure just makes it worse. I've been following the Liesmith's posts a lot now. Maybe it's the Norse echoes, or how similar he seems to the trickster characters I was planning on portraying in my novel...
As if I'll get the chance to write it out now, eh?
Still, it makes me feel slightly better, despite the disturbing facts he might be unearthing every time he posts. Reminds me of BEN - you can never be sure of or trust anything that's said...
...I must be in a good mood if I'm recalling paranoid ARGs like that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
...Nnngh
Not doing too well. Been trying to keep it quiet, but... I'm homesick and lecturing myself doesn't really work.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but... I needed some air. Went outside. Five minutes later, ran back.
I'll talk more about stuff later. Kind of want to curl up in a corner again... I'll go do that now. The rune Echo looked at was interesting. Maybe if I focus on it I'll feel better?
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but... I needed some air. Went outside. Five minutes later, ran back.
I'll talk more about stuff later. Kind of want to curl up in a corner again... I'll go do that now. The rune Echo looked at was interesting. Maybe if I focus on it I'll feel better?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Safety
Met up with Echo alright, I'm mooching off of the computer to tell you this. She's been taking a lot of train rides, and is thus a lot more tired than I am.
...Don't want to take too long on this. Probably will have a more verbose entry later, but after my initial freak out of "oh crap, I'm alone in an American city which I don't know how to get around" I managed to ask about the museum, got sent in the right direction and waited. Echo didn't take long to show up. I think she's slightly annoyed at me - I was thanking her like crazy for this.
Have you guys noticed that there are... echoes of Norse myth twined into all this? Yggdrasil pops up all over the place - I suppose that's predictable, given it's the World Tree - but as well, there's this guy: http://perhapshesleeps.blogspot.com/2011/02/just-watch-me-now.html
The Liesmith. I asked if he was Loki and he gave me a trickster answer.
...Maybe I'm trying too desperately to connect things. But maybe there's something else.
Alright, I'm starving. I hope Echo's got some cereal or I'm going to have to learn how to cook.
...Don't want to take too long on this. Probably will have a more verbose entry later, but after my initial freak out of "oh crap, I'm alone in an American city which I don't know how to get around" I managed to ask about the museum, got sent in the right direction and waited. Echo didn't take long to show up. I think she's slightly annoyed at me - I was thanking her like crazy for this.
Have you guys noticed that there are... echoes of Norse myth twined into all this? Yggdrasil pops up all over the place - I suppose that's predictable, given it's the World Tree - but as well, there's this guy: http://perhapshesleeps.blogspot.com/2011/02/just-watch-me-now.html
The Liesmith. I asked if he was Loki and he gave me a trickster answer.
...Maybe I'm trying too desperately to connect things. But maybe there's something else.
Alright, I'm starving. I hope Echo's got some cereal or I'm going to have to learn how to cook.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Arrival
I'm here. Going to the meeting point I set up with Echo. Wasn't attacked on the way, so my paranoia and jumpiness was for nothing.
Well, at least I got my need to be corny out of the way.
More heartfelt messages to come, I suppose - need to act the tourist right now. Which I am. Ah well, hopefully people can point me in the right direction.
Well, at least I got my need to be corny out of the way.
More heartfelt messages to come, I suppose - need to act the tourist right now. Which I am. Ah well, hopefully people can point me in the right direction.
Just In Case
Because the bus is making rest stops and I don't know what might happen later.
My name is Katherine - have a preferred nickname, I don't like my name being used online. I'm a coward - freely admitted - I try to make myself look better than I am. I'm selfish, spoiled and probably won't know how lucky I've been until I burn all my bridges, which will be about 6 pm today. I've been attacked - stalked, scared more than anything else - by one proxy. I've seen Him and dreamed of Him for the past four or five weeks.
I want to be a writer. Fat chance that I'll be alive long enough to publish something now. Still, I'll try to borrow Echo's computer or mooch off of it long enough to type something out. I want to write something... hopeful.
I hope I even make it to New York. Being shifty about any person I see on the bus, especially the people wearing hoodies. Had to pack in the middle of the night too so my parents wouldn't notice - really awkward. And it's cold today...
...You guys made me paranoid, thanks a lot. All of you better fucking stay safe or I'll kill you myself - no, that's unlikely - or burst into tears or do something really stupid. All of you are my anchors, you make me feel better and less of a coward. You gave me the strength to do this.
I feel that if I address one of you, I'll have to say something to all of you and I don't have much time to type this, so -
Thank you. All of you - thank you for staying with me and giving me encouragement and telling me to get my shit together. Stay alive, stay kind of safe at least, stay sane.
Echo, I'll see you in New York.
My name is Katherine - have a preferred nickname, I don't like my name being used online. I'm a coward - freely admitted - I try to make myself look better than I am. I'm selfish, spoiled and probably won't know how lucky I've been until I burn all my bridges, which will be about 6 pm today. I've been attacked - stalked, scared more than anything else - by one proxy. I've seen Him and dreamed of Him for the past four or five weeks.
I want to be a writer. Fat chance that I'll be alive long enough to publish something now. Still, I'll try to borrow Echo's computer or mooch off of it long enough to type something out. I want to write something... hopeful.
I hope I even make it to New York. Being shifty about any person I see on the bus, especially the people wearing hoodies. Had to pack in the middle of the night too so my parents wouldn't notice - really awkward. And it's cold today...
...You guys made me paranoid, thanks a lot. All of you better fucking stay safe or I'll kill you myself - no, that's unlikely - or burst into tears or do something really stupid. All of you are my anchors, you make me feel better and less of a coward. You gave me the strength to do this.
I feel that if I address one of you, I'll have to say something to all of you and I don't have much time to type this, so -
Thank you. All of you - thank you for staying with me and giving me encouragement and telling me to get my shit together. Stay alive, stay kind of safe at least, stay sane.
Echo, I'll see you in New York.
Monday, February 21, 2011
An Update
Got a new fancy phone due to passing my first semester without migraines. Managed to walk to the bank nearby and chance my currency.
I hope you guys won't be offended if I mention that American money is ugly? It's not even a nice shade of green. It's so dull and... eugh. Canadian money is so much more awesome. </patriotism>
Thinking of writing something up soon, just something hopeful before I have to leave. Need to turn in sort of early tonight since I'll be getting up at 5-ish and heading for the bus terminal.
Echo, I need to talk to you...
Everyone else, thank you for your support. So much. I'll... see what I can do.
Fuck, I need to stop shaking.
I hope you guys won't be offended if I mention that American money is ugly? It's not even a nice shade of green. It's so dull and... eugh. Canadian money is so much more awesome. </patriotism>
Thinking of writing something up soon, just something hopeful before I have to leave. Need to turn in sort of early tonight since I'll be getting up at 5-ish and heading for the bus terminal.
Echo, I need to talk to you...
Everyone else, thank you for your support. So much. I'll... see what I can do.
Fuck, I need to stop shaking.
Time to Go
I've refused to run, before. But I've been... convinced. By everyone else, by my own guilt - I don't want my parents, my family to get hurt.
I'm getting on a bus to New York City tomorrow, early in the morning, as if I'm walking to school. Going out to get a phone or a laptop today... I have some money in my bank account. Can't access my tuition, which is unfortunate, but...
If I wait long, I'll give up, or go crazy, or just not do it.
Checked bus schedules, one line will take me at 6:15 in the morning and I'll be at NYC at about 5:45...
Oh fucking god I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I'm getting on a bus to New York City tomorrow, early in the morning, as if I'm walking to school. Going out to get a phone or a laptop today... I have some money in my bank account. Can't access my tuition, which is unfortunate, but...
If I wait long, I'll give up, or go crazy, or just not do it.
Checked bus schedules, one line will take me at 6:15 in the morning and I'll be at NYC at about 5:45...
Oh fucking god I hope I'm doing the right thing.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
An Open Offer
To talk, that is.
My messenger is gildedmoon@hotmail.com
If you want to email me, I use a different address, which I can include in the comments if anyone is interested. Neither have my real name because I'm paranoid like that.
...I'm worried. Maybe talking to someone will make it better.
My messenger is gildedmoon@hotmail.com
If you want to email me, I use a different address, which I can include in the comments if anyone is interested. Neither have my real name because I'm paranoid like that.
...I'm worried. Maybe talking to someone will make it better.
Have You Ever
Seen Him touched by snow? Or rain, for that matter?
It snowed today, and I watched for a while until I couldn't take it any more and had to close the window and sit in a corner for a while. Pathetic, I know. Still, it bothered me. It's not like the clouds parted right overhead just so that snow wouldn't fall on Him or anything like that. It fell above, and then... it just disappeared.
Maybe it just shows how He doesn't belong here... I don't know.
Says a lot that I just ponder metaphysical question about Him after getting over my fit of fear. I'm not worrying about missions or going up against Revenants or leaving the house... I worry about you guys, but considering the options, I suppose I could say I'm lucky so far.
How ironic that I go into a BSoD about everything that happens, then. I should be... I don't know. More willing to support you guys. Sorry. If you ever cross the border and come up here, might be willing to help out. Slightly. I'm pretty isolated, though - all of you seem to be in America or Europe, right?
It snowed today, and I watched for a while until I couldn't take it any more and had to close the window and sit in a corner for a while. Pathetic, I know. Still, it bothered me. It's not like the clouds parted right overhead just so that snow wouldn't fall on Him or anything like that. It fell above, and then... it just disappeared.
Maybe it just shows how He doesn't belong here... I don't know.
Says a lot that I just ponder metaphysical question about Him after getting over my fit of fear. I'm not worrying about missions or going up against Revenants or leaving the house... I worry about you guys, but considering the options, I suppose I could say I'm lucky so far.
How ironic that I go into a BSoD about everything that happens, then. I should be... I don't know. More willing to support you guys. Sorry. If you ever cross the border and come up here, might be willing to help out. Slightly. I'm pretty isolated, though - all of you seem to be in America or Europe, right?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Calming Down
So my first Heroic BSoD is over...
Thanks, everyone. I shouldn't have just rolled over and despaired, but I was just so tired. I haven't been sleeping well - I'm always going to bed early and then waking up late. I can't seem to feel rested... like I was running around all night or something like that.
I guess it's just the fear and paranoia getting to me.
I don't have a Constant just yet, but... I want to protect my family. Especially my big brother and my father. He's always ready to comfort me when I'm scared, you know? Lately, I've just come up to him needing a hug, and he always gives me one. Corny, but... It helps. Hugs are good, comforting things when I'm freaking out.
I'll be willing to help, for their sakes.
I had a weird dream. Those are usual, but... I was walking around my house. Outside, I could see the world tree - but it was covered by black water. Which meant I was underwater too, but it didn't really matter. I could see it wilting, which was really weird... It looked like a weeping willow, actually.
...That's it, really. But I'm feeling better. Thanks, guys.
Thanks, everyone. I shouldn't have just rolled over and despaired, but I was just so tired. I haven't been sleeping well - I'm always going to bed early and then waking up late. I can't seem to feel rested... like I was running around all night or something like that.
I guess it's just the fear and paranoia getting to me.
I don't have a Constant just yet, but... I want to protect my family. Especially my big brother and my father. He's always ready to comfort me when I'm scared, you know? Lately, I've just come up to him needing a hug, and he always gives me one. Corny, but... It helps. Hugs are good, comforting things when I'm freaking out.
I'll be willing to help, for their sakes.
I had a weird dream. Those are usual, but... I was walking around my house. Outside, I could see the world tree - but it was covered by black water. Which meant I was underwater too, but it didn't really matter. I could see it wilting, which was really weird... It looked like a weeping willow, actually.
...That's it, really. But I'm feeling better. Thanks, guys.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
You Are Useless
And so am I.
I'll probably never see any of you in real life. Getting help from you... text messages and pleading won't bring anyone back, threats and curses don't do anything. We always offer help and wish for each others' safety, but really...
Most of us don't live in the same place. I know I can't suddenly travel somewhere and find any of you, and even if I could, I'd be no help at all.
What's the use?
I'm not crazy enough to combat my fear. I'm paralysed by it. I can't rush off or even save myself, let alone anyone else. I want to help, but...
I'm nothing, really. Just prey. I'm amazed I lasted this long, really. I'll try to hold on and not get depressed, but... I don't know. Don't expect much of me. Ever.
I'll probably never see any of you in real life. Getting help from you... text messages and pleading won't bring anyone back, threats and curses don't do anything. We always offer help and wish for each others' safety, but really...
Most of us don't live in the same place. I know I can't suddenly travel somewhere and find any of you, and even if I could, I'd be no help at all.
What's the use?
I'm not crazy enough to combat my fear. I'm paralysed by it. I can't rush off or even save myself, let alone anyone else. I want to help, but...
I'm nothing, really. Just prey. I'm amazed I lasted this long, really. I'll try to hold on and not get depressed, but... I don't know. Don't expect much of me. Ever.
A Hell For Myself
...Why is everything getting worse?
Sammie said she saw... Him, and she acted... Hollowed. I hope it's a joke. I fucking hope it's a joke so I can stop crying and figure out what to do when I need to go outside today.
He was outside yesterday. I knew He was. I knew this was the time for me to magically turn into a badass and invent a lightning gun or something to take him on, but... I was always so afraid, even when I was little. I had nightmares all the time. Fears of being taken away.
I think I dreamt of Him when I was little. Everything was distorted. It was like I was underwater...
Yggdrasil. The world tree is reassuring, for me. Always was. Why did I dream of it drowning in black water?
...I shouldn't even bother asking.
I'm too afraid of ever doing anything. I can't test random objects, see what rules he conforms to at the moment - all I can do is reassure myself that the walls around my house are real and won't collapse the second I look away. I hate this.
I hate it all so much.
Sammie said she saw... Him, and she acted... Hollowed. I hope it's a joke. I fucking hope it's a joke so I can stop crying and figure out what to do when I need to go outside today.
He was outside yesterday. I knew He was. I knew this was the time for me to magically turn into a badass and invent a lightning gun or something to take him on, but... I was always so afraid, even when I was little. I had nightmares all the time. Fears of being taken away.
I think I dreamt of Him when I was little. Everything was distorted. It was like I was underwater...
Yggdrasil. The world tree is reassuring, for me. Always was. Why did I dream of it drowning in black water?
...I shouldn't even bother asking.
I'm too afraid of ever doing anything. I can't test random objects, see what rules he conforms to at the moment - all I can do is reassure myself that the walls around my house are real and won't collapse the second I look away. I hate this.
I hate it all so much.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I Suppose I Should Thank You
For following me, I mean. 22 people?
I'm surprised. Welcome, to all of you - and I'm sorry, things have been... crazy enough that I didn't mention you at all.
...Yeah. Been writing and doing what Echo advised to keep from freaking out too much. Makes it easier.
...I wrote a story about... Him for my final project for Writer's Craft. I thought getting all the fear out would make it easier, you know?
That... didn't work.
Don't know why I'm telling you guys this. Things are still crazy... but you guys are acting like you have plans. Maybe you don't and I'm just too blinded by hero worship to see it.
Whatever.
I'm surprised. Welcome, to all of you - and I'm sorry, things have been... crazy enough that I didn't mention you at all.
...Yeah. Been writing and doing what Echo advised to keep from freaking out too much. Makes it easier.
...I wrote a story about... Him for my final project for Writer's Craft. I thought getting all the fear out would make it easier, you know?
That... didn't work.
Don't know why I'm telling you guys this. Things are still crazy... but you guys are acting like you have plans. Maybe you don't and I'm just too blinded by hero worship to see it.
Whatever.
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Hell For Others
Redlight.
Beyond... Slender Man - it hurts to type that out, and I feel cold every time - I think he's the person I fear most. Because beyond something I can't understand, he'd be the most likely to beat me into the ground. To torture me because my weaknesses are so obvious, because I'm too small and too weak and never, ever strong enough in any way to do anything at all.
I'm a wimp.
I scare easily, I huddle in a corner and then I turn selfish - I'd sacrifice people to save my own skin. I want all of you - every last person and your problems and your hope and desperation - to just disappear so this is all a dream or a game and so I don't need to care anymore. It'd be so much easier...
There. The truth. I want to help - but at the same time, such a large part of me whispers that if you all just disappeared, if I stopped caring, things would be better. Rationally, I know they wouldn't, but... it never stops. Robert forgot - but he came back. Maybe because he's selfless. Maybe because we needed him so badly. If that happened to me - if I took the deal - I'd just die in a corner, huddled up and paralysed with fear. It wouldn't take long.
Is that an easy way out? I don't know.
I'm too scared to take it. What if it hurts?
What's going on right now... I want to help. But talking might draw more attention to me. I can't stand what Redlight's doing - but my one yell at him might be enough. What if I become more of a target? I can't bear that.
How do you guys keep hope alive? I feel like I'm going to die just out of terror.
Beyond... Slender Man - it hurts to type that out, and I feel cold every time - I think he's the person I fear most. Because beyond something I can't understand, he'd be the most likely to beat me into the ground. To torture me because my weaknesses are so obvious, because I'm too small and too weak and never, ever strong enough in any way to do anything at all.
I'm a wimp.
I scare easily, I huddle in a corner and then I turn selfish - I'd sacrifice people to save my own skin. I want all of you - every last person and your problems and your hope and desperation - to just disappear so this is all a dream or a game and so I don't need to care anymore. It'd be so much easier...
There. The truth. I want to help - but at the same time, such a large part of me whispers that if you all just disappeared, if I stopped caring, things would be better. Rationally, I know they wouldn't, but... it never stops. Robert forgot - but he came back. Maybe because he's selfless. Maybe because we needed him so badly. If that happened to me - if I took the deal - I'd just die in a corner, huddled up and paralysed with fear. It wouldn't take long.
Is that an easy way out? I don't know.
I'm too scared to take it. What if it hurts?
What's going on right now... I want to help. But talking might draw more attention to me. I can't stand what Redlight's doing - but my one yell at him might be enough. What if I become more of a target? I can't bear that.
How do you guys keep hope alive? I feel like I'm going to die just out of terror.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
HAHAHA
you know how the temple is the weakpoint of your skull? how funny...
i thought if there were holes in people's heads, they'd be there
why cant they be clean? bullet holes look clean in the movies, but these are so large and ragged...
hahaha, forehead and back of the skull, and the hair's all red too... i wish i hadn't tried to remember the next dream
when i close my eyes...
blood smells awful
im going to go puke now
EDIT: Sorry guys, it was... a bad dream.
i thought if there were holes in people's heads, they'd be there
why cant they be clean? bullet holes look clean in the movies, but these are so large and ragged...
hahaha, forehead and back of the skull, and the hair's all red too... i wish i hadn't tried to remember the next dream
when i close my eyes...
blood smells awful
im going to go puke now
EDIT: Sorry guys, it was... a bad dream.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Fuck This
No.
I didn't get pulled out by all of your efforts, I didn't overcome all my terror - just to see someone else get pulled in. Fuck you, Holly, why couldn't you say something sooner, do something to get help? I know internet therapy doesn't work, I know comments are infested with trolls and insincere messages, but fuck it, to see someone do the same thing I did... At least I have some knowledge of random codes now. As if that'll help in the end...
I talked to Lucien. I'm scared, I'm a coward, I haven't done anything important or worth noting in my entire life - but... what's going on now. The plan, Robert's return, how everyone has joined in... even if I'm a failure and weak, I could do something, help at least in one minor way....
Holly's code-post: http://everymelodyhasaharmony.blogspot.com/2011/02/do-not-fret_02.html
Made a Twitter, just because I know Holly was on it a few hours ago.
Short story: feathers - feathers of Ma'at, symbol of balance
bells, hoofbeats, hounds at night - Wild Hunt and Gabriel Hounds, Cwn Annwn, symbol of chaos, both hunts humans and guides their souls
mistletoe - Norse myth of Baldur, god of light, being killed by mistletoe striking his eye, thrown by Loki. Light drowns in darkness. Start of Ragnarok.
Stay safe or sane or alive, guys, because I don't know what I'll do if you don't.
I didn't get pulled out by all of your efforts, I didn't overcome all my terror - just to see someone else get pulled in. Fuck you, Holly, why couldn't you say something sooner, do something to get help? I know internet therapy doesn't work, I know comments are infested with trolls and insincere messages, but fuck it, to see someone do the same thing I did... At least I have some knowledge of random codes now. As if that'll help in the end...
I talked to Lucien. I'm scared, I'm a coward, I haven't done anything important or worth noting in my entire life - but... what's going on now. The plan, Robert's return, how everyone has joined in... even if I'm a failure and weak, I could do something, help at least in one minor way....
Holly's code-post: http://everymelodyhasaharmony.blogspot.com/2011/02/do-not-fret_02.html
Made a Twitter, just because I know Holly was on it a few hours ago.
Short story: feathers - feathers of Ma'at, symbol of balance
bells, hoofbeats, hounds at night - Wild Hunt and Gabriel Hounds, Cwn Annwn, symbol of chaos, both hunts humans and guides their souls
mistletoe - Norse myth of Baldur, god of light, being killed by mistletoe striking his eye, thrown by Loki. Light drowns in darkness. Start of Ragnarok.
Stay safe or sane or alive, guys, because I don't know what I'll do if you don't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)